There are no words to fully express the heartbreak I think you must feel. The pain of loosing a child has to be the most painful thing we could possibly go thru. I find strength and peace in knowing you have come to terms with all of this and you have found a way to make sense of it all. As I read your post today, one month after we lost Serena, I see how you feel her everywhere. You are by far the strongest human I know. Your ability to take each day as a new way of living knowing this all happened for a reason. I have no answers, only questions, mainly, why. But it is not for me to question what has happened but to make peace with it. You are so strong and so amazing. You gave all of you to be there every single day. You never complained and you never asked why her? why me? You lead by example and as you grief for your daughter. I know that you will continue to teach us all the beauty of it all. I love you my dear sister, and I hope that you know that your words, your actions have touched so many of us in ways you may never know. I believe she is with us as you do, and I know she is smiling because she had the best mom in you. Thank you for teaching us all how to continue her legacy, and how to keep her alive. I pray that I can somehow follow your lead and make peace with all of this. I am beyond blessed that you are my sister and I hope you know that I will remember her message, to live life to the fullest. May peace be always with you.
It is so difficult to put into words how I feel now that you are gone. It doesn’t seem real and to try and make sense of it all leaves me with such emotion. You taught us all so much, you gave so much of yourself to everyone, and family was always first for you. Never did you complain or ask, why me? As we find a new way of existing without you, I find comfort in knowing that you are not alone, that you are with dad, and that your presence is felt each and every day. You are my butterfly, you are soaring and still teaching me how to be strong, how to live life to the fullest and how to never complain. Life truly is a gift, and no one knew that better than you. You stared fear right in the face and fought like crazy to live. I have no doubt you made an impact on my children, your cousins that thought the world of you, even with the simplest of moments like B staring at fear and jumping of a diving board with no hesitation, or Jason realizing how precious family time truly is. These amazing moments I take in knowing you made a difference, you touched us all and I will continue to remind them and myself to live life to the fullest, to never settle for anything less than what you want and deserve, to allow for goodness and individuals who truly get it. I miss you, but I know you are with me, with all of us, and every time you come around, my sweet butterfly, I will remember that you lived and that you forever changed my life.
A year ago my life was in a totally different place. I had a different job, lived in a different home, had different friends in my life and even I was different. Some of these changes came out of the blue, some were due to choices I made, but all have been positive, scary and challenging. I often stop and wonder how did I get here? How can everything be so different than how I envisioned my life to be?
Without change we cannot grow, we cannot experience all of life’s gifts and embrace new beginnings. I’ve learned that the more things change, the better life gets which only allows me to grow and be open to new challenges. I don’t allow for fear to stand in my way because when I look back at my life, a month, 6 months a year ago, I somehow made it to where I am now. I am blessed for my new job, new friends and new home and I embrace all the new beginnings that are wrapped around this new journey.
Live Laugh Love
I have always believed the universe speaks loudly. It guides us and shows us the way. I have said what will be, will be, got to have faith. I have had to make some changes in my life because my home that I have lived in for 5 years was being sold. I have known this for months, yet never fully engaged in finding a place. I really have no excuse other than to say fear of the unknown stopped me and I went thru my days with the mentality, oh, it will all work out. As time got closer to having to move I woke up and got busy. I made appointments, but nothing really “spoke” to me. Daily I would drive by the same road and for the last week kept seeing a for rent sign for a house, never really stopping to look. This pass Monday as I got ready for my first appointment, I had a conversation with “dad” as he has always been my person, even more now that he is gone. I said, dad, guide me to where I need to go. After my first appointment I had time and as I drove pass that for rent sign, I quickly found myself turning on the street. Saw this cute house, and I thought, well, this could work. I texted the number and that night I had an appointment. I walked in and immediately connected with the owner and well, the house, it spoke to me. Today, I am happy to say I have the keys to that house and my move begins tomorrow. As overwhelmed as I feel, I am so at peace for I know without a doubt dad led me there, and the timing of having this week off work, scheduled since last year all fell into place. Timing is Everything. It took a minute or two to get there, and yes, it made me over the top stressed, unable to deal with situations I would of handled differently. But, well, when you have to pick up your life of five years and start over, it can be a bit stressful and frightful. The timing of it all, well, my friends, the universe has spoken.
From far away I see you,
You’re near within my heart.
I hold back the emotions, that complicate your mind.
Your eyes they shine like stars, your smile it brightens days, I wish that you could see, the way you make my day.
From far away I’ve loved you, I feel it every day, my wish for you my dear, is that you find within, the love that does surround you,
It’s real, it’s near, it’s free.
No matter where we may end up, I know one thing for sure,
You’re loved today, for what is worth,
You’re true, you’re good, you’re pure.
Live Laugh Love
As the year soon comes to an end, I look back on all the changes that I have had to face and come to terms with. It has been a year of ups and downs, difficult decisions, new beginnings, and a new outlook on how I want next year to be. I had to leave my job and start a new career that I thought I would never survive in, yet find myself excelling in ways not even I thought I would. I have had to make changes in my need to always have to fix things and accepting the simple fact that some things just cannot be changed. I have been challenged by my children in having to look at how my choices have affected them, even if at times I did what I had to for peace of mind and pure survival. Acceptance of who I am, where I am and where I want to be has had me look at my life and who or what has brought me here, a place of peace. It certainly has not been an easy journey, or one of just joy, but it has been one full of tears, heartache, and at times desperation. But when I stop to look at it all, the entire year, I smile. Acceptance of being exactly where I am suppose to be, in this moment, at this time, knowing this, I am feeling blessed for it all. I am a better person because of the good, the not so good, and the difficult moments, the hard decisions, the moments of uncertainty of what I should or shouldn’t do. Life has a funny way of putting us right where we need to be and showing us the beauty of each moment. My blessings are always my monkeys, and now my daughter will have her own little bundle of joy. There is a reason for this, a lesson her and I have yet to learn, but I will not run from it but face it with her, with healthy boundaries in place, one of the lessons I have learned along the way. My friends, they are and have always been a constant reminder of how lucky I am that I found my ‘tribe.’ Those special friends that have taught me to be in the moment and just let things be. Acceptance that not everything has to look a certain way, or be a certain way, for that I am richer than most. I will continue on my path of living. To travel, to take time for me and to not get lost in the craziness of every day living. I am so thankful for this amazing year, what it has brought me, taught me and how it has made me look at myself in ways I needed too.
I hope that you take a look at the year, be thankful for it, grateful, and at peace, but mostly be accepting that you are where you are suppose to be. Peace and Love
Change is inevitable. Whether we choose to accept it or not, change is constant, sometimes by choice, sometimes circumstances bring about change, and sometimes things change because it is part of a cycle. It is said that change is scary at the beginning, messy in the middle, but worth it in the end. I think I am always enforcing change, things should never be ignored or taken advantage off for they could dwindle away or vanish. There is always good in wanting different, in wanting more, or in wanting better. But as humans, we put things off, for later, thinking we will have the time or even the energy. If you want for a different life, a different outcome, a different feeling, nothing will happen if you just keep waiting. I say, now is the time, no matter what it is. It could be as simple as changing the color of your hair, to a new job, and new home or a new way of living. If you want something bad enough, only you have the power and control to do something about it, because really, in the end, the only one you need to answer to is you. Life is precious, such a gift, so whatever it is you have been putting off for a day, a week, a year, now is the time to challenge yourself, to see it, feel it and go after it.
Live Laugh Love
We all have them, we all prioritize our lives daily, even if we don’t think we do. And as adults, our priorities are almost always changing. We try and focus on the things we feel are important, of value to us, make them the priority for the day, maybe the week, or in general our lives. Sure, my kids are a priority, always. My job. My family. My friends. What it looks like to others, may not fit that mold, but, how it looks like to others should not be a factor. I was recently stopped in my tracks by one of my children as she felt, my priorities were all messed up. I was at first upset, then angry, then going thru my head as to why she would say such a thing. I understand how the mind of a young adult works, but this had me beyond upset. I talked about it, fought, tried to justify myself, and realized, I didn’t need to do that. As parents, we do not need to justify anything to our children. We are not here to be their friend, but to teach them and love them and do the best that we can, even if at times we fall short. I am not a perfect parent, none of us are, but I think I have always been available to them in all the ways that matter. In her mind, she was justified as to how she felt, because I could not be available,so suddenly my life came into question. So of course, being human, I questioned my life. I had to be reminded by those closest to me of what I have done, or do, even if not always on “their” time frame. I knew that all that I ever try and do came from a place of love and good intentions, even if not always felt. I have always said, we need to make ourselves a priority. It is not selfish, it is necessary. As long as we are present, we are good. Today my priorities changed. What I thought would be a normal Tuesday of kids and dinner, became an afternoon of comforting my 8 year old over the loss of a pet. He became my priority. Dinner was not a thing, or homework, and maybe his needs surpassed any need any other child may have had. But I was present. Not everyone has to get it, but no one should ever question or challenge YOUR priorities. I have no doubt that if you think about it, what you thought your priorities would be this morning, most likely changed as the day progressed. Life is always changing, with change comes challenges, with challenges comes growth. Growth brings new lessons, new journeys and always new priorities.
Honestly, I dislike the word expectations, but I am struggling with something and maybe if I write about it, I can get some clarity, or peace of mind. Why do we as humans have expectations? If you think about it, we are only disappointed when we have them. Yet, a day doesn’t go by when we don’t have certain expectations of how our day should go, or how something should feel, or how a problem should be solved. We set them with our children, our co-workers, our spouses, significant others, and even with our friends. This is where I struggle most, should friendships be built around expectations? Or should we embrace them as they truly provide us with a certain escape that most other things or even people do not. There has to be a balance, always, of give and take. There has to be mutual trust and respect for any friendship to grow and survive. There has to be common ground. But what happens when it is shaken for any reason and you feel like maybe the friendship was not as real as you may have thought? What happens when you can easily see that it has always been a friendship of convenience and not a friendship built on just that, being friends, and expecting nothing in return. When we are faced with disappointment with our jobs, we talk about it. When we are unhappy within our relationships we discuss it, try and figure it out, bringing up those expectations that maybe were not met. I am anything but perfect, none of us are, but I do believe I try and always balance things out and make the time for my friends. There is never a conversation of what is expected, as friendships do not or should not require such, but maybe they should? A friendship is in fact a form of a relationship, and if one is angry, upset or disappointed we have no issue stating so. We trust in the relationship and things get resolved. What if you don’t see it, or think that you are valued because your expectations of how something should of been handled wasn’t. Do we walk away? Do we stand our ground? Do we let it go, knowing eventually it will come around again? I struggle with the simplicity of how to allow for a friendship to just take the course it has always taken, and I am not sure if it is do to where I am in life now, or because I am always preaching, if something doesn’t feel right and you simply stay silent, nothing will change. The fear of it ending, that is a reality, but is it worth it to keep something, you believe will always leave you in the same place, with more questions than answers. Yes, I over think things, but only when they matter. Is standing up for myself worth loosing a friend, and how do I know if I was ever truly a friend to them. If I have allowed for this, then how can I get upset or judge someone? I think that having special friends is priceless, I think that we need to truly cherish those that make a difference in our lives, even if at times they challenge us and make us want to walk away. I guess, that is what friendship truly is, to allow for all of it, the good, the not so good, and the unbalanced, because without our friends, I doubt many of us would have survived. I know I certainly owe everything to mine. Peace
Today I am grateful for another day. A warm cup of coffee. The sun rise. Always my monkeys, family, friends. My home, my job. Life in general. Even when things get crazy, and they do, or life throws you off course, which it often does, or when situations come up that make you question things left and right, which we do, there is still something to be grateful for. Life is always a balance, a lesson, a journey, you just need to find the silver lining. So today, ask yourself, what Am I grateful For?